Friday, Feb 3, 2023
to feed a culture of spectacle is to affirm that the value of a life must be arbitrated to justify saving it
Thursday, Feb 28, 2023
I can't tell if I'm happy these days, if I've been happy in these recent days. I have so much love for the life I've lived and the way that things are playing out, even amidst all this eudaimonic uncertainty. But have I been happy? Do I feel happy?
I've not been unhappy. I don't think listlessness, which feels more like a condition than an emotional state, means that I am not happy.
Is it that happiness requires movement if not turbulence if not a death/rebirth?
Sunday, Mar 5, 2023
It's hard to feel alive in an airport.
What's the name for the banks of the River Styx?
Thursday, Mar 16, 2023
wearing my heart on my sleeve ≠ letting people in
Monday, Mar 27, 2023
incessant concern regarding the realities of current and historical economics/industry to being a professional artist
beauty and opulence cost many people their freedom and dignity
Monday, Apr 3, 2023
that eye contact
a two-sided feeling of discovery and familiarity
Sunday, Apr 9, 2023
I need to find something else to focus on because I don't really want to spend all my hope in one place.
Today I can't remember how I used to think and feel as a person. I feel how constantly I am being reconstituted. The feeling is one of being at the brink of god.
Thursday, Apr 20, 2023
chasing dreams vs. chasing desires
chasing dreams, sacrificing for them... feels like a propaganda
desires, on the other hand....
more of a relationship between desire and happiness?
Tuesday, Apr 25, 2023
independence and chasing dreams as trojan horse for demolition of social relationships that would otherwise nurture trust and shared values – which are essential to survival both emotionally and materially
even on an individual, personal level, it's easier for most people to understand and organize themselves as consumers than as individuals
starting with kids on screens (dopamine receptors, also all the experiences + lessons to be learned, about the the self and the environment and social mechanisms, through play), the education system both in content and in structure/paradigms
heuristic smothering or heuristic assimilation
more relevant as life and lifecycles of things move faster, which creates more reliance on heuristics [tik tok miseducation]
Thursday, Apr 27, 2023
I need an outlet for devotion.
What is the use of desire when it remains unfulfilled, as it has all these years?
i enjoy feeling desire, but no control any way; desire just becomes punishment
Experiencing the desire I had for [redacted] was a life-changing thing.
longing vs. desire
But it also led to the longest grey period of my life.
Thursday, May 4, 2023
western reliance on movies/TV to process things for them
Thursday, May 25, 2023
It really is so nice having all these friends in the neighborhood.
Monday, June 5, 2023
moral principles vs. power principles
"The cry of the Have-Nots has never been 'give us your hearts' but always 'get off our backs' ; they ask not for love but for breathing space." – Alinsky
Wednesday, June 7, 2023
Smoke blows down from Canada. A second day of yellow. The streets are empty, but there are more birds in the air. I wonder if they're trying to escape it.
I think I just felt a shadow. A fly flew past the window and I felt its shadow bounce off the crook in my elbow.
Thursday, June 8, 2023
DOOMED TO SWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON
fuck men for being so confused/confusing
Tuesday, June 20, 2023
I'm wrapped up in this crush but trying with great effort to mitigate. It's difficult. I'm wary of being afraid to make a fool of myself when the stakes are so much lower than what I feel. It would be much more foolish if I allowed my feelings to inflate the stakes.
Which is to say I'd rather prepare for disappointment than avoid it.