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excerpts from notebook #12



Friday, Feb 3, 2023


to feed a culture of spectacle is to affirm that the value of a life must be arbitrated to justify saving it





Thursday, Feb 28, 2023


I can't tell if I'm happy these days, if I've been happy in these recent days. I have so much love for the life I've lived and the way that things are playing out, even amidst all this eudaimonic uncertainty. But have I been happy? Do I feel happy?


I've not been unhappy. I don't think listlessness, which feels more like a condition than an emotional state, means that I am not happy.


Is it that happiness requires movement if not turbulence if not a death/rebirth?





Sunday, Mar 5, 2023


It's hard to feel alive in an airport.

What's the name for the banks of the River Styx?





Thursday, Mar 16, 2023


wearing my heart on my sleeve ≠ letting people in





Monday, Mar 27, 2023


incessant concern regarding the realities of current and historical economics/industry to being a professional artist


beauty and opulence cost many people their freedom and dignity





Monday, Apr 3, 2023


that eye contact

a two-sided feeling of discovery and familiarity





Sunday, Apr 9, 2023


I need to find something else to focus on because I don't really want to spend all my hope in one place.


Today I can't remember how I used to think and feel as a person. I feel how constantly I am being reconstituted. The feeling is one of being at the brink of god.





Thursday, Apr 20, 2023


chasing dreams vs. chasing desires


chasing dreams, sacrificing for them... feels like a propaganda


desires, on the other hand....

more of a relationship between desire and happiness?





Tuesday, Apr 25, 2023


ATOMIZATION


independence and chasing dreams as trojan horse for demolition of social relationships that would otherwise nurture trust and shared values – which are essential to survival both emotionally and materially


even on an individual, personal level, it's easier for most people to understand and organize themselves as consumers than as individuals


starting with kids on screens (dopamine receptors, also all the experiences + lessons to be learned, about the the self and the environment and social mechanisms, through play), the education system both in content and in structure/paradigms


heuristic smothering or heuristic assimilation

more relevant as life and lifecycles of things move faster, which creates more reliance on heuristics [tik tok miseducation]





Thursday, Apr 27, 2023


I need an outlet for devotion.


What is the use of desire when it remains unfulfilled?

i enjoy feeling desire, but no control any way; desire just becomes punishment


longing vs. desire

But it also led to the longest grey period of my life.





Thursday, May 4, 2023


western reliance on movies/TV to process things for them





Thursday, May 25, 2023


It really is so nice having all these friends in the neighborhood.





Monday, June 5, 2023


moral principles vs. power principles


"The cry of the Have-Nots has never been 'give us your hearts' but always 'get off our backs' ; they ask not for love but for breathing space." – Alinsky





Wednesday, June 7, 2023


Smoke blows down from Canada. A second day of yellow. The streets are empty, but there are more birds in the air. I wonder if they're trying to escape it.


I think I just felt a shadow. A fly flew past the window and I felt its shadow bounce off the crook in my elbow.





Thursday, June 8, 2023


DOOMED TO SWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON


fuck men for being so confused/confusing





Tuesday, June 20, 2023


I'm wary of being afraid to make a fool of myself when the stakes are so much lower than what I feel. It would be much more foolish if I allowed my feelings to inflate the stakes.

Which is to say I'd rather prepare for disappointment than avoid it.






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